SPUNKalicious

As everyone who’s sucked dick knows, some spunk tastes better than others. Like all human secretions, a guy’s flavour is dictated by his diet. But what cuisine makes some cum yum and other cum yuck? In order to make the world a safer place for blowjobs, I decided to carry out a man-naise test on my boyfriend...

I began my research by making a phone call to my trusted gynecologist. When I told her about my mission, she gave me a simple answer- it's all about what you eat. Here is a list of the foods she says result in what she refers to as 'friendly ejaculations,' and 'unfriendly ejaculations.'

Friendly foods:

Parsley
Pineapple
Vegetables
Fresh fruit
Carbohydrates

Unfriendly foods:

Meat
Fish
Garlic
Onions
Dairy
Chemically processed liquors

And now for the fun part. I, along with my very helpful and willing boyfriend (I wonder why), spent the past week putting these foods to the test. Each day I fed him a controlled diet, and each morning I gave him a blow-job. And swallowed. All in the name of science, of course. This is what I found:

Day 1: FRUIT AND VEG

Breakfast: Fruit cup + sliced pineapple + orange juice

Lunch: Green salad (with added parsley)

Dinner: Stir-fried vegetables

My boyfriend wasn't too hot on the idea of eating only fruits and vegetables all day, but he knew he was getting head out of it, so he complied. The following morning, as planned, I sucked him off until he came in my mouth. Surprisingly, his cum did taste rather nice. It was slightly sweeter than normal, and exceptionally easy to swallow. Also, the smell of it was surprisingly similar to the smell of the chestnut tree I had in my backyard when I was little.

Day 2: CARBS

Breakfast: Bagel with jam

Lunch: 1 slice pizza

Dinner: Pasta with tomato sauce

After a day of consuming carbohydrates, my boyfriend's cum didn't taste like much of anything. It wasn't sweet, like the morning before, but it wasn't bad either. The smell was pretty average as well- kind of like salt, but in a nice way. It was basically your average, run-of-the-mill spunk.

Day 3: MEAT AND FISH

Breakfast: Bacon roll

Lunch: Tuna sandwich

Dinner: Salmon fillet with potatoes

I was dreading this day as I wasn’t too keene on the idea of drinking fish-flavored jizz, but to be honest it wasn't as horrible as I had expected. It tasted slightly bitter, but as I swirled the juicy man-cream around the inside of my mouth, I couldn't taste fish, but more of a buttery flavor. It did, however, smell more potent than the previous two days. Kind of like salt- but in a not-so-nice way.

Day 4: DAIRY + OTHER UNFRIENDLY THINGS

Breakfast: Yogurt + chocolate milk

Lunch: Crackers with blue cheese and Brie + vanilla ice cream

Dinner: Grilled cheddar cheese sandwich with fried garlic and onions + 4 glasses vodka and coke

Warning! Warning! Dairy makes your cum taste like sour milk in a blender with battery acid (said in emergency robot voice). I honestly didn't think that one day's food could possibly effect the taste of your bodily fluids so extremely, but I was so so terribly wrong. Upon swallowing the vile liquid, I instantly gagged, then spit the disgusting, chunky slime back out of my mouth. It smelt like burnt hair, tasted like rotting onions, and made me never want to give another blow-J for as long as I live.

The End.

My House is a Poop Den

I’m never cleaning my house again. It does more bad than good. Yesterday, for some reason unbeknownst to me, my squatmates and I decided to clean our house for the first time in nearly a year. To be fair it was pretty disgusting, but still, if you ask me we were all doing just fine living in and amongst the rotting garbage and shards of broken glass. I was even getting used to the ever-lingering stench of dead mice and cat piss. But no, we had to go and ruin everything with our desire to be normal. And what did it get us? It got us a giant bag of poop and a buttload of GLOOM, that’s what.

Seriously though, I’m not kidding when I say that yesterday, during our Spring clean, we found a bag of poop in our living room. Like literal human feces. Poop. In our living room. For real. Well, if you want to get technical I guess it was actually a potato sack filled with both poop and onions, but you get the idea. Apparently my squatmate Simon dragged the bag in off the street when he was drunk, assuming it was a bag of potatoes discarded by the fruit and veg stall nearby our house. He didn’t realize that it was actually just a giant bag of shit and some random onions. But I mean, honest mistake, right? It could have happened to anyone. Or not.

But what I want to know is, who poops in bags and then just leaves them lying on the street? And even more importantly, who finds these random bags of poop and then brings them home and stores them in their living room for weeks at a time? Our house is gross. When I asked my fellow Squallyoakians how it was possible that all of us failed to notice or smell the bag for such a long period of time, Dale responded, “Because our house smells like poop anyway—one extra bag isn’t going to make a difference.” True say, Dale. True say.

The only good thing that came out of the bag of feces was getting to see the look on Kerri and Lauren’s faces when they heard the news. They were on acid, and after the discovery they spent the rest of the day laughing and then crying because they were laughing so hard, then laughing again at the fact that they were crying, and repeatedly asking, “Wait, is there actually a bag of poop in our living room, or are we just tripping out?”

Here's a song we wrote about it. Enjoy!

Listen: POOP