Thumb Face

Double-you Tee Eff. God is hilarious.

Back to Hell

See, hideous.

After two month of living the high life in my parent’s cozy little house in upstate New York, with a committed slave to wash my clothes, make my dinner, and clean up after me (my mother), I am now back in Squallyoaks, and it’s fucking hell.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve become accustomed to a life of luxury, or if it’s just that my memory of what our squat used to look like is completely warped, but I swear it was never this bad. The place is a fucking heath hazard. I feel like I’m going to AIDS just looking at the photos of it. There are giant piles of garbage everywhere. Everywhere you go smells like mold. Most of the windows are broken so the entire house is freezing. There are empty tubes of toilet paper with poop on them in a bathroom garbage can from when the toilet paper ran out and people got desperate. It’s like something off Intervention.

And to make the whole situation just that tiny bit easier, in the two months that I was away my sheets, my duvet, my heater and my light bulb were all stolen out of my room. So now my room is basically just a dark, damp, freezing pit of sorrow with a bare mattress lying on the floor in the corner. Also, though I didn’t think it was possible, all the people I live with seem to have grown uglier over the Christmas holiday. Despair. It’s not looking good.

So, in light of this tragedy, after two years of living in the notorious Squallyoaks, I think it’s finally time to say goodbye. For my sanity. At the moment I’m squatting my boyfriend’s bedroom. It’s great. I feel very domesticated. Doing normal people things can be fun- going to the supermarket, taking showers, using toilet paper, opening the refrigerator without having to plug your nose. My eyes have been opened to the wonders of normality, and I like what I see. Now I just have to get a juicer and one of those tiny little phones that fit in your ear so you can have your hands free to make lots of hand gestures while you’re talking, and I’ll be all set.


Kitchen


Hallway


Hungry?

What I Think Boys Think Is Cool

Boys are a very simple species, with tiny, uncomplicated brains, which means it’s pretty easy to figure out why they do the things they do, and like the things they like. In terms of style, it seems that most boys choose their clothes based on what they think will most likely get them laid, and what will make them feel most comfortable. Not that that’s a bad thing. We like it when you adorn your peculiar little angular bodies with stuff that makes us want to sleep with you. We’re horny too. These are a few things I think boys think are cool.




1. Looking like they’re in alt-rock band from Seattle on Sub-Pop

These days nearly every guy you meet looks like he’s a member of some Pitchfork-friendly indie band with a name like Wolf-Face or Magical Deer Children. Lots of plaid- lots of not showering- lots of growing ridiculous amounts of facial hair like it’s their ambition in life. As overdone as they are, I have to admit that check-shirts are hot. Facial hair is ok too, but kissing boys with beards is sort of a drag because it leaves a gross red rash all around your mouth.



2. Tattoos

Tattoos make boys feel like bad-asses. They’re sort of like the young male equivalent of getting your belly button pierced. However, any tribal arm bands or hideous Chinese symbol shit completely negates any sort of “rebel” effect, but rather just acts as a watermark for guys with small dicks who cry during sex.



3. Looking all philosophical

Looking like an introspective, Gothic matador is really popular amongst all the industrial, post-punk boys at the moment. It’s a good strategy really, because for some reason girls seem to go for guys that look like they might be gay. Also, us girls love projects, so if you look like you’ve probably got some deep-rooted emotional problem, or that your dad hates you, we’ll be the first ones in line to help make you all better.



4. Skinny jeans

I read somewhere that the skinniness of a guy’s jeans is directly related to his sperm count.



5. Bobble hats

All girls like stuffed animals, so it’s just common sense that if you dress up like one all the hotties are going to want to hug and squeeze and lick you.

My Boyfriend is a Lesbian

I used to think by boyfriend was gay because he wore makeup, cried during Meg Ryan movies, and liked to wear my lingerie while having sex. After months of extensive scientific research and lots of snooping through his private things, however, my new theory is that he’s not a cake boy after all, but rather a woman trapped in a man’s body. But the catch is, he’s still into girls (I think). So technically, this makes him a lesbian.

It’s so simple. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner. The signs were all there- the endless amount of flannel, the Tegan and Sarah CDs, the environmentalist tendencies. One time I swear I even heard him say his favorite color was the rainbow. Although he might have said blue- I wasn’t really listening.

But anyhow, now that I feel confident my boyfriend isn’t a cocksucker, I’m completely accepting of any other sexual defects he may possess. It’s actually sort of fun having a lesbian for a boyfriend (femme, not bulldyke, thank God). It's kind of like having a BFF you can fuck. We share clothes, we talk about our feelings, we watch The L Word. We even swap tips on how to stay fit, and comfort each other if we're having a fat day. It's super fun. And when it’s all over, we make sweet sweet love, much of which involves weeping tears of joy.

So, does this make me a lesbian too? Am I pansexual? Or am I just a “people person,” as my lesbian-in-denial friend refers to herself? Personally, I prefer the term masochist.



Makeup application

Online Dating

Bob = future hubby

I’ve always thought of online dating as being really depressing- sort of like a false Mecca for the socially illiterate (e.g. ugly people). And call me old fashioned, but the idea of forming a human bond through an LCD screen was just far too abstract for me. However, recent pangs of loneliness and my own curiosity as to what actually goes on in this mysterious digital love orgy inspired me to try it out for myself. And what do you know? I’ve been fucking enlightened. Online dating isn’t desperate; it’s progressive. I’d even go as far to say it’s postmodern.

I know you probably think cyber love should be reserved for fat middle-aged women and sexual predators. However, just because your grandmother and the 10oclock news say something doesn’t mean it’s true. The fact is, there are some serious 2-D hotties out there just waiting to be your soulmate. I totally got multiple clit boners while scanning interweb dating sites for potential hubbies. Sure, there were a few Unabomber look-alikes, but hey, Teddy’s not so bad looking for a neo-terrorist. Plus, where else but the virtual world can you search for a mate with the exact qualities you desire- height, weight, occupation, religion and preferred addiction.

So skip the judge-fest and try if for yourself. Think of it as an experiment in contemporary romance. Here are some tips on how to succeed in the romantic abyss that is online dating.

1. Make A Good First Impression:

Having to sum up your entire being in a tiny little box entitled About Me in an informative yet witty fashion is completely soul-crushing. However, this can’t be taken lightly. First impressions are everything. Fuck it up and you’ll be a spinster for life, sitting home alone at fifty, doused with opiates, praying for some jailbait.

There is more than one way one can go about this. You could go for the funny, self-deprecating approach, but then you run the risk of coming across apathetic. You could be flirty- maybe throw some sexual innuendos in there- but again, you’re looking for a soulmate, not a new pimp. My advice is to go with something short and sweet. Keep them wanting more. Mystery is always en vogue.

2. Speak their language:

When conversing with a potential mate, remember to always use phrases like ‘LOL’ and ‘TTYL.’ Speaking their mother tongue will help you to identify with this foreign species, and make you more appealing at the same time. Don’t feel guilty about your involvement in the slow and painful death of the English language either. It’s not like you’re BFFs or anything.

3. Photos:

Warning: Taking a picture of your reflection in the bathroom mirror with your camera-phone doesn’t make you less ugly.

4. Lie:

There’s nothing wrong with pretending you spent six months traveling around Africa feeding starving orphans, or that you don’t have VD, just to get someone to like you. There’s plenty of time for honesty after you’re married.

5. Trust Everyone:

If you don’t trust people, then how can you expect them to like you? And if you don’t like to trust yourself, then how can you expect likable people to trust that they trust you? It’s complicated. Basically, if your new online lover asks to meet you in person, trust that it’s probably a good idea. The chances that someone you met on the internet is a rapist are only, like, 1 in 5, so don’t sweat the small stuff. Like Aerosmith said- we're livin' on the edge.




1. Ashton: Bob, stop standing there and zip my jacket up! Why do you smell like sour cream and birds?

2. Ashton gets her period on everything.